I know this goes against all self-help advice, where you are supposed always to accentuate the positive, to talk about what you should do as opposed to what you shouldn’t do, but I thought I might share an email I got recently. I’ve anonymised it so as hopefully not to embarrass anyone.
Hi Tony [use of name – tick]
Hope you’re well! [unnecessary, but at least you’ve put “you’re” and not “your” – half a tick]
I want to introduce you to a new health brand, Airs and Graces [establish reason for emailing at outset – tick].
The Airs and Graces range is made with premium ingredients and promises to take care of all your nutritional needs throughout the day, providing everything from the perfect start to a replenishing boost in the evening. Say hello to Airs and Graces [yes, but what is it? A vitamin supplement? A cereal bar? A protein shake?]
Airs and Graces is divided into 3 ranges; Invigorate, Sustain and Energise – Gluten free, lactose free, vegan options and with no added sugar, Airs and Graces is the healthy lifestyle addition everybody needs.[nope, still no idea]
The packaging has been designed by illustrator Bob Smith His bold, playful style is synonymous with the Airs and Graces ethos of living life to the full. Bob Smith is available for interview [like I give a damn. Is he really the key player in all this?].
Do let me know if you think Airs and Graces would be suitable for inclusion [at last, something I do know the answer to].
See what went wrong there? He’s written this beautiful press release but hidden behind lots of clichés and never got to the heart of what he’s promoting.
Always put yourself in the shoes of the recipient. Does it answer the basics of who, what, why? If not, start again.